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Yes or No, Stop or Go?

Disjointed. Scattered. Those words sort of describe how Matt and I feel. Well, at least how I feel. However, I’m pretty sure we are in agreement on this.

We feel pushed and pulled in all sorts of directions, while trying to make the best decisions for our family. It hasn’t been easy. I don’t think big decisions are ever easy. For me, it usually comes down to a Cost/Benefit Analysis.

When we moved into our house we felt overwhelmed. Not only were we moving and unpacking, but we had to deal with all of the things associated with buying a house. For a homeschooling family, this can be a tough time. At least for me. Piles of books, music equipment, and miscellaneous boxes all over the floor in every room stresses me out. All I can think about is putting things away so that I can finally breathe.

I think the feeling of being overwhelmed is what pushed and pulled us into the direction of sending the boys to school. We had planned on homeschooling them again this year. In fact, we were 5 weeks into the current school year. I think Gavin was having a hard time adjusting to being so close to family and moving to America that he started acting out more during his studies. And we were hoping that the kids would make some local friends. Oh, and I should add that I tried the “official” homeschool group for the area and it turned out to be rather ridiculous.

The solution seemed simple. The day the movers came to dump our household goods into our garage, the kids went to school.

I’ve had some restless nights about this. I’ve cried during commercial breaks, where families are doing something together. And I’m pretty sure Matt is starting to go deaf in his left ear from hearing me whine about it.

When it comes down to it, I miss my kids. I see them for an hour before school and then again after 4:30. Gavin always has an hour of homework and Tristan wants his computer time. I miss my kids. Academically? The school is okay. I don’t have a problem with the school. Socially? Well, I was hoping for a little more.

I used to spend all day with them. And that is something that is truly special about homeschooling. You get to spend time with your kids and you get to be the one they pick up bad habits from.

Yes, my kids fight. They whine. They complain. But they are fun! They love to learn, as much as I do. They appreciate trips to the museum, science experiments, and being together. As it stands, we hardly get to see each other. It’s sad.

The flexibility that we once had has completely gone out the window. We are locked into a routine. And you know me . . . I don’t like being told what to do.

Now, that we are settled, I told the kids that during Christmas Break I intended to “rethink” this whole school thing. I never said another word. Earlier this week, Tristan asked if I was still going to “rethink” the school situation. He is lobbying for homeschool. He says that he’s not impressed with public school. Gavin, on the other hand, doesn’t care either way. He likes recess. However, he added that he would prefer to be at home again. But, kids don’t make these types of decisions on our house. Their opinions do matter, though.

So, now what?

Now, I’m praying. Praying and crying. Crying and praying.

These are my kids and I don’t want to make a mistake. They are their own little beings, not an extension of myself.

I think about all of the reasons why we started homeschooling. Have any of those changed?

In the end, it probably doesn’t matter where they get their education. I just don’t want the decision to be a selfish one on my part.


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